aarynd27

I was a raver and a frequent extacy user in my late teens and early 20s. I was in denial about the possible effects of extacy on the brain until my mother had to go to a seminar on signs and symptoms of brain injury. All the signs and symptoms she thought sounded a lot like sharon (aaryn). Right now I am fighting for disability because of perceived, by my most recent doctor, mental illnesses such as body dismorphic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder and bipolar disorder and a generalized mood disorder and major depressive disorder. Check this out if you are or were a frequent user of extacy and I urge you to stop taking it before more irreversible damage is done. The use of extacy is the same as having a tramatic blow to the head. This is sad and unfortunate news to me as I did not take the reports on extacy on the brain seriously when I was a user.

According to the neuro-psychiatrist at the seminar, victims of tramatic brain injury have to make new pathways in their brains in order to function more normally. They can only focus on one task at a time. Certain puzzles like crossword puzzles or sudoku can help the brain re-learn and improve memory.

I am going to see a neuro-psychiatrist now that I have this information and I am going to get tested for the unfortunate possibility that part of my brain is dead.

Sadness and partial brain death due to recreational drug use

There is no basis for my paranoia being associated with my being transgendered, or is there.  First off, I am afraid for my life.  I am afraid that people are going to hurt me, kill me, rape me etc, because of my being different.  I was well tolerated by my fellow class mates up unitl highschool.  I was ridiculed and abused in highschool and have been the butt of jokes, stares, comments, and the list goes on.  So, when these things are not happening to me, I still feel like they are destined for me and at any moment, something terrible is going to happen to me.  These are self destructive thoughts that need to be fixed with thoughts of reality and what is the likelyhood that such a terrible event would happen?  I feel like Matthew Shepard in waiting, and I'm scared most of the time. 

Sometimes I think that if I transition, then all of this will go away and I will be able to live a normal life. I don't think this is the case though. I would like to be able to keep a job, raise my child and transition! 

I think that my thoughts stem from my parents and general societies homophobia.  I don't trust them.  I feel like they will do everything in their power to keep me from transitioning.  They will not call me by my chosen name, Aaron.  If they don't take me seriously, than why would any body else?  They're a blockade of massive bricks and mortar.  

My mother told me today, "Sharon, you have to be a little bit stronger."  I want to lash out and say, I'm a man, I am strong.  But all I see in the mirror is a little girl.